Per your request... (Please don't read if you are a sensitive person)

Per your request, Chris, I am updating my journal. :-P

I guess I'll write out why I've decided to become a lawyer. Most of you already know, but I'd like to put this in my journal so I'll have it for always. Hm. Where to begin? Perhaps with a chocolate ice cream bar. *runs to the kitchen*

Working for DCF has been a very valuable experience *for me* in several ways. When I began working there, I was very naive. I thought most people who were receiving benefits were down on their luck. I believed we are all naturally good and that given a positive change, the disadvantaged would gladly pull themselves right back up. I believed they were sincere people with good hearts, high morals and values, just needing a hand.

I was very wrong. In February I became very frustrated by this realization. More and more I discovered clients lying, cheating, being irresponsible, and lazy. I noticed that many, indeed the majority, had been in the system since at least 1993 - that's when the computers started logging everything. They weren't using the system to give them a boost. They were depending on it for their entire lives - and having six more children who would grow up to depend on it, too. Yet, I still referred them to counselors, psychiatrists, and mental health counselors. At the same time, James's mother kept suggesting, "Jen! Why don't you go into law? You and James could practice together!" I continuously shrugged off her ideas. "I want to help people! I want to make a difference in the world! I want to tell people they are great and help them, in time, come to know it."

In late February James and I watched "Chocolate" (my pick - and it was SUCH a good movie!!). In part of the movie, the mayor tries to "convert" a wife-beating alcoholic man, while the main character takes in the wife. The mayor does everything he can to change the man - to make him a godly, upright, productive citizen. He sends him to Catholic classes, he cleans him up, finds a job for him, teaches him... And one day, this man comes back to his wife, apologizes, and asks her to return to him. She stuns him by refusing. And he loses it. That night he gets drunk and tries to kill her and several others. Weeks later he blows up some boats, severely injuring many. He didn't change. He can't change. He is who he is, and the mayor found that out, despite his extensive and noble efforts. The movie clicked with me - people are who they are, especially by the time they are adults. It's very difficult to change them fundamentally. Perhaps a few things here and there (I went to counseling for depression, anxiety, and assertiveness and it worked quite well), but overall? Nope. It's pointless to try.

While I rented Chocolate, James (who usually picks pretty good movies) got "Anger Management", which he liked, but I thought was beyond lame and cheesy. While watching Anger Management, a revelation fell from the stars: These could be my future clients if I continue my career as a counselor. OMG, I thought. They are CRAZY! OMG! What was I thinking??? Apparently not well.

Couple that with a few conversations I had with some other counselors and psychologists. I'd heard them say before it seems like you're helping no one sometimes, and it's very difficult, but I never put two-and-two together until I saw the movies and realized I was referring my (probably hopeless) clients to people who were in the service I would one day want to practice....?

I changed my mind. The girl who wanted to save the world since the time she was four has declared she wants to be a lawyer and make lots of money. The child of 14 who brazenly declared to her relatives, "I don't want to live a normal life. I don't want to have my own children, I'll adopt 10. I want to be different - I want to know, when I die, my signature will be on the world: Jen Was Here" has decided to forsake all of her childhood dreams and aspirations of single-handedly overhauling the child welfare system, wants to have her own children (in twenty years) and have a nice big house and a great career in the business world.

Reality hurts.

I have become my own worst nightmare. I am normal.